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Ultra runners don’t fall for click-bait…

31-Jan-18

Last updated: 29-Aug-18

By Seth Grotzke

Click-bait articles are big business for this one reason, spammers know we are drawn to promises of virtual satisfaction. The fact that we are consistently underfulfilled only makes us more desperate.

What I have done in this post is list the top click-bait titles that ultra runners won’t fall for, and shouldn’t fall for, in order that you can save yourself a few minutes of watching another pointless flash mob. To make it even more click-able, I have also included their corresponding spoilers.

This one piece of kit can double your distance stamina overnight
- A bike.

You will never believe how this lady went from Couch to 5km
- 5km? It takes me 5km to get my shoes adjusted.

This Super Food will have you dropping minutes on your incline
- Unless it is some type of genetic mutation conveniently administered by a spider, which they don’t sell in my supermarket (I checked), it isn’t a “Super Food”.

Go from running races to winning races
- Not unless Jim Walmsley breaks BOTH of his legs and Kilian is busy climbing an erupting volcano somewhere.

This is one race you have to run before you die
- One? You have got only one?

The super athletes don’t want you to know this one trick to their success
- They get paid to run.

This just went viral in the running world
- That is what viruses do. And by the way, the flu is miserable.

Use this simple stretch to loosen your hip-flexor
- I don’t think I even have one.

This man didn’t train at all for his first ultra and you’ll never guess what happened
- He DNFs.

I just went for a 50km run without carrying any food or water, and here’s how you can too
- I stole candy from a baby, drank from a gutter, and passed out in my front entry. Awesome.

This man showed up to the race and no one thought he could run. But were they surprised!
- He couldn’t. He thought “Hardrock” was a concert.

Follow this one piece of advice and never get injured while running again
- Stop running.

How to maximize your recovery in physical therapy
- Do the little stretches they tell you to do.

Is this the best kept secret of ultra running?
- No. It isn’t. That distinction would go to getting cheered on as you run through the woods…as an adult.

You have to watch this race till the end in order to believe it
- The guy DNFs.

You’ll be dying for this one food after your next long run
- Like…anything I can get my hands on?

Here is the top training tip from the pros to running faster
- Stop complaining and run more.

Here is the top training tip from the pros to running farther
- Stop complaining and run more.

Here is the top training tip from the pros to running more consistently
- Stop complaining and run more.

You can cut your training time in half with this one simple trick
- Run shorter races.

This man walks into a running store and what he does next is priceless
- He buys the same shoes online.

Write this one sentence on your next submission and you’ll never be declined another entrance ticket
- I…will…give…you…one…million…dollars.

This app will revolutionize your distance running
- Uber

Use this technique to maximize your downhills
- Tuck and roll when you bite the dust.

Watch this ultimate fail!
- He DNFs.


*Any similarities between this list and Runner’s World featured articles is purely coincidental. Honest. (So hoping he is jokin #copyrighttrauma: Ed)

Seth G just started twitter…ing over at @accidentalultra. His goal is to keep some “real” in the ultra scene and help provide a stabilising influence for the world through sarcasm.

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